“Authentic Marriage – Authentic Life”
Prairie View, Inc. Contributing Writers:
Shirley Faulkner, Licensed Clinical Marriage & Family Therapist
Gordon Marshall, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Rachel Pearson, PhD, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Paul Kurtzweil, PhD, Licensed Psychologist
Many people enter into relationships today with a set of unrealistic expectations. Often driven by print and television media, the expectations that “you will make me happy and complete” contribute to the ignorance of the attachment needs each individual has. These unspoken expectations very often become “hidden agendas” in relationships that objectify both the person and the relationship, thereby establishing areas of conflict that can last throughout the course of one’s relationship and lifetime.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
For example, one critical need that we all have as human beings, is the need for respect. Successful relationships are built and maintained on a foundation of respectfulness, resulting in a lasting and enjoyable sharing of life experiences and resources. A true sense of respect for one’s self and partner can create a lasting trust in many aspects of a relationship, including the emotional, physical, sexual, and fiduciary safety, thereby creating a partnership that is mutually satisfactory and even fun.
Respect is also critical in a relationship because it protects the dignity of self/others during times of conflict, life transitions, loss, or other life events, while allowing honesty and openness without “attacking” the integrity of one’s partner. What is important to realize is that if there is not that foundation of respect present in a relationship, creating trust and safety, then “it” is not love. “It” can be fear of being alone, unmet dependency or other needs, financial security, worries about what the family, or others will think, or remaining together “for the children.” This results in a shared life that lacks intimacy.
Divorce Predictors
As many realize, for one or both partners, an emotional divorce happens long before any legal divorce. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher of marital satisfaction for over 30 years, identified common divorce predictors, labeling them the “Four Horsemen.” These include:
Criticism, which places attack and blame on the partner;
Contempt, which can be expressed with body language, name calling, mocking and hostile humor;
Defensiveness, which is a common “It isn’t my problem, it’s yours!” mentality, escalates and prolongs the conflict cycle; and last but not least,
Stonewalling, or “turning away” from the partner in ways that close the communication venue. This form of disengagement sends a clear message to one’s partner: “What you think, feel, want or need is not going to be that important to me.”
What is Intimacy?
True Intimacy is Not Merely Sex. Intimacy is comprised of feelings of inclusion, or sense of “We-ness,” developed by shared meaning, activities, roles, organization, commitment, nurturing, loyalty and shared values between partners. Whenever inclusion is missing in a relationship, couples usually maintain a struggle for power and control in their relationship that is dominating instead of collaborative.
Intimacy Indicates Emotional and Physical Safety. This invites an open disclosure and a mutual sharing of feelings, ideas and plans. Authentic intimacy includes a way of viewing and relating to the other as a unique and valued person. These elements create the close sexual interactions desired by most individuals in the relationship. Sexual intimacy and satisfaction is most often obtained with couples who have that high regard for themselves and their partner and is based on a meeting and sharing of both emotion and spirit.
Sexual Satisfaction is a Marker of Authentic Intimacy. Sex is viewed as a personal and private matter for many couples and sexual functioning or problems with sexual beliefs and attitudes are often not discussed. The expectation is for great sex to occur naturally. Sexual satisfaction or the lack thereof, has been linked to marital discord, extra- marital affairs, low self esteem, depression, anxiety, substance abuse and stress.
Emotional difficulties and distancing, conflict and arguing, abuse, feelings of inadequacy, distrust, poor communication, differences in desires and needs, physiological problems and even timing itself, can contribute to sexual problems. Exploring areas of resolution as well as exploring areas of sexual pleasure for both partners can move partners toward a healthy and rewarding sexual relationship.
Addiction, Compulsive Behaviors, and Trauma Can Detract and Destroy Authentic Intimacy. Addictive disorders and compulsive behaviors destroy the foundation of self/other respect and trust, thereby detracting from the commitment, integrity and responsibility to the partnership. These disorders and behaviors can include substance abuse, overspending and shopping, gambling, pornography, and eating disorders. Any person experiencing one or more of these issues should be encouraged to seek physical and mental health evaluations and treatment that may include use of medications to assist with their recovery, allowing themselves to become more self aware and more engaged with their partner.
Trauma. Traumas, both big and small, experienced over a lifetime can add up and affect the ways a person relates in a significant relationship. “Big T’s” include childhood or adult sexual, physical or mental abuse and neglect, natural disasters, war experience or other experience where one’s life was at risk, being a victim of other crimes and significant losses such as a job or financial security. These become a part of an individual’s experience in the brain’s hardwire. “Little T’s” can include being repeatedly rejected, experiences of shame and humiliation, or being bullied or ridiculed, and all of these affect the way a person may view themselves and the world around them.
Trauma Leaves People Wounded. These wounds can cause persons to be mistrustful of themselves and others, creating voids of loneliness and isolation or they can cause persons to become too needy and dependent too quickly in relationships, before they have had the time to learn if this would be a place of safety or not for them. Persons repeat negative patterns in relationships over and over, and miss the “red flags” which in turn teach them not to trust their own judgment.
Untreated wounds such as these can cause people to unconsciously learn to sabotage a “good” relationship to create distance, because intimacy is uncomfortable, unknown and frightening to them. As with any issue these wounds can create the opposite and cause persons not to develop and maintain effective boundaries. Extreme people-pleasing and caretaking in situations where it is not warranted or reciprocated, can be exhibited. Some “victims” will remain victims of life and themselves and/or become “victimizers of others” in order to self-protect and gain a sense of false empowerment.
The very basic human needs, like love, security, acceptance, safety, comfort, nurturing, respect, trust, and truth can be met in the most intimate and enjoyable of ways by learning how to obtain and maintain an “Authentic Marriage.”